I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
