You're so nebulous sometimes
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
