Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
