what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
