We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
