I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
You were trust falling into bushes
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
