Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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