It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
