Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
