last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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