You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
