ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
