I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
