well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
