You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
