I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
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