The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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