1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
