I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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