I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
