Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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