Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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