tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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