I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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