was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
