i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
