My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
