her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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