pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
