Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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