allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
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