I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
