wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
