why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
