yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
