I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm like, not good at living.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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