There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
But I just had this pork p�t�. It was dick grabbing.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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