Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
