You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
