He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
