omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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