do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
