Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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