What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
