So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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