Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
