my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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