I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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