Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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