when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
