yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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