tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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