last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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